Why should we be grateful to our enemy?

by Venerable Thubten Chodron

For the sake of simplicity, we’ll use the word “enemy” to describe anyone with whom we don’t get along at a particular moment. Even people for whom we deeply care can, at times, become “enemies” when they act in ways that seem contrary to our interests, happiness or welfare. Thus, we see in our lives that a person who is a friend today may become an enemy tomorrow if he does something we disapprove of. He may return to being a friend the following day, once we have straightened out the misunderstanding. It may initially seem contradictory, but we can regard an enemy as a friend who benefits us.

First, by harming us an enemy makes our negative karma ripen, so that specific karma is now finished. Second, he forces us to examine our priorities and actions and decide what we want to do in the future. Thus, a person who harms us helps us grow.

Indeed, the times of most intensive personal growth often occur when our sense of well-being and security has been shaken by someone harming us. We survive those difficult situations and emerge stronger and wiser as a result. Although such circumstances and the person who causes them are unpleasant, they enable us to discover resources — such as wisdom and compassion — within ourselves that we don’t know we had. From this perspective, one who harms us is kinder to us than a friend who doesn’t offer us such challenges!

In fact, an enemy is kinder to us than the most compassionate being, the Buddha.

This may sound almost inconceivable: “What do you mean my enemy is kinder to me than the Buddha? The Buddha has perfect compassion for everyone. The Buddha doesn’t harm a fly! How can my enemy who is such a jerk be kinder than the Buddha?”

We can look at it this way: To become Buddhas, we need to practice patience and tolerance. Doing this is essential; there’s no other way to become a Buddha. Have you ever heard of an irritable or intolerant Buddha? But with whom can we practice patience? Not with the Buddhas, because they don’t upset us. Not with our friends, because they’re nice to us. Who gives us the opportunity to practice patience? Who is so kind and helps us develop that infinitely good quality of patience? Only a person who harms us. Only our enemy. That is why our enemy is kinder to us than the Buddha.

My teacher made this very clear to me when I was the assistant director of an institute. The director, Sam, and I didn’t get along at all. During the day, I would get angry at him, and in the evening I would go back to my room and think, “I blew it again,” and pull out Shantideva’s A Guide to the Bodhisattva’s Way of Life for help. Finally, I left that job and went to Nepal where I saw my teacher, Zopa Rinpoche. We were sitting on the roof of his house, looking at the Himalayas, so peaceful and calm, when Rinpoche asked me, “Who’s kinder to you, Sam or the Buddha?”

I replied, “The Buddha, of course.”Rinpoche looked at me as if to say, “You still haven’t gotten the point!” and said, “Sam gave you the opportunity to practice patience. The Buddha didn’t. You can’t practice patience with the Buddha, and you need to perfect the quality of patience to become enlightened. Therefore, Sam is kinder to you than the Buddha.”

I sat there dumbfounded, trying to digest what Rinpoche had said. I had expected him to say something different, such as, “I know Sam is a difficult person, and you did so well putting up with him all that time.” But, no, consolation and praise for my ego were not in store. Instead, my teacher confronted me with my intolerance. Slowly, as the years went by, the meaning of what he said has sunk in and changed me. Now when I see Sam I appreciate what I learned from him and regret that, at the time, I was not able to benefit from working with him. It has also subsequently occurred to me that maybe I wasn’t the easiest person with whom to work!

Bodhisattvas, those beings who are dedicated to becoming Buddhas in order to benefit all sentient beings most effectively, are happy when someone harms them, for they are eager to practice patience and now have the opportunity to do so. But being imbued with love and compassion, bodhisattvas have a hard time finding anyone who appears disagreeable or who feels hostile towards them. We ordinary beings, on the other hand, often perceive others as obnoxious and seek out those who will treat us nicely. Despite this, so many people feel, “I can’t find anyone to love me.” Bodhisattvas, however, say, “I can’t find anyone to hate me!”

To prevent anger from arising in response to harm we can also ask ourselves, “Is it this person’s nature to harm us?” In one way, we can say it is human nature to mistreat others upon occasion. We’re all sentient beings caught in the net of cyclic existence, so of course our minds are obscured by ignorance, anger and attachment. If that’s our present situation, why expect ourselves or others to be free of misconceptions and destructive emotions? If a person is harmful by nature, then getting angry at him is useless. It would be like getting angry at fire because its nature is to burn. That’s just the way fire is; that’s just the way this person is. Becoming upset about it is senseless because it cannot alter the cause of the injury.

On the other hand, if a person is not harmful by nature, there’s no use getting angry at him. His inconsiderate behaviour is extraneous; it’s not his nature. From a Buddhist perspective, the deepest nature of even the people who have acted most horrendously is not harmful. They, too, have the pure Buddha potential, the pure nature of their mind, which is their real nature. Their destructive behaviour is like a thundercloud temporarily obscuring the clear sky. That behaviour is not intrinsic to them, so why make ourselves miserable by being angry at what is not really them? Thinking this way is extremely helpful.

We must separate the person from his behaviour. We can say a particular behaviour, such as cheating or lying, is harmful, but we cannot say the person who does it is evil. That person, like everyone else, has the Buddha potential, and one day, he can and will become a fully enlightened being. His negative action was motivated by disturbing attitudes and destructive emotions, which are like clouds obscuring the pure nature of his mind. They are not his nature; neither they nor his actions define who he is as a human being.

Then we repay hostility with kindness. We do the reverse of what we feel like doing. While our angry mind generally wants to retaliate by harming the other, changing our attitude and showing kindness can be more effective.