Your Mind Creates Your Experience

by Venerable Dr Chuan Xuan

The sudden chest pain threw me into a state of deep worry. I felt hopeless as I curled up in bed. My hot tears cooled quickly on my face, making the chilly south-eastern China winter even colder. Hiding beneath my blanket, I said to myself: “Am I going to die? I have yet to perfect my sutra recitation. What will happen to my students if I die? Will the college have enough time to find a replacement? Who is going to water my office plants etc…” Thoughts kept drifting in and out, and my tears continued to flow. 

It was 31 January 2020,  about eight days after the nationwide lockdown in China to combat a then unknown deadly pandemic, now known as COVID-19.

I was visiting one of my monastic mentors, and taking up his hospitable offer, I extended my stay so that I could catch up with him and other long-time-no-see dharma-farers as well.

As the only one who had an overseas travel history in the past fourteen days, I naturally and unquestioningly established a causal connection of my chest pain to the virus. My emotions intensified and I was very fearful. Although I was clueless about the cause of my chest pain, I came to the conclusion after hours of struggle and despair that I must be COVID-19 positive for sure.

This, however, did not bring me even a moment of peace. I could only lie and cry in bed, as I felt my strength drain away. It was four in the morning, nearly 11 hours after experiencing the suspicious pain. The monastery bell tolled, a daily signal that a new day had begun and all monastics were to assemble for their daily morning service at the Hall of Shakyamuni.

Deeply convinced that I must be ailing from COVID-19, I decided not to attend the morning practice. To be honest, even if I had wanted to attend, my body was too weak for me to do so. Thus, I sent a text message to the discipline inspector and obtained his permission for absence. The venerable was so kind; he added in his reply that he would bring me warm porridge if I could not make my way to the dining hall for breakfast. 

Despite being physically weak and mentally restless, my 22-year-long monastic training reminded me that I should not lie in bed while my fellow monastics were chanting. Well, I must admit, the 108 strikes of the bell also made returning to sleep rather difficult. For a moment, a thought flashed through: “The monk who is in charge of striking the bell should be nicknamed Venerable Armstrong, for his strength in sounding the bell so loudly.”

With my last ounce of strength, I tried to sit up cross-legged and managed to remain still. As part of my training as a monastic, it had become habitual for me to attend to my breath whenever I am in a sitting position. I started to stay mindful of my in-breath and out-breath. Although that day my meditation wasn’t progressing the way I used to practise, I kept at it.

After a few rounds of counting inhalation from one to ten and then from ten to one, I could feel my breath vividly again. It was warm, rapid and short. The sheer awareness of my own breath allowed me, for the first time in the past 11 hours, an opportunity to disassociate from the feeling of being a “victim” of the virus. This momentary disassociation of I and my feeling released a tremendous inner strength that allowed me to see “me” and “virus” as separate. In other words, I take care of “me” and the physician will take care of the virus.

So instead of worrying, I went to a hospital before breakfast and did the prescribed medical examinations. The test results came out the next day. 

My chest pain was merely due to cold. The pain went away the next day.

So, what have I learnt from this intense episode, and my monastic journey so far?

First and foremost, allow yourself to be human and have feelings. Be it love, fear, anxiety, anguish, and so forth, whenever a feeling arises, contemplate the feeling as just a feeling and give it due recognition. Second, try not to become overwhelmed with your feelings, neither downplaying nor exaggerating them, be they positive or negative. Always maintain your mindful awareness of your reactions. Third, whenever you are about to take an action, be it mental, verbal or physical, spare a moment or so to reflect if this action is wholesome or unwholesome.

Is it meaningful or worthless?

Is it enriching or damaging?

Finally, give people such as scientists, statesmen, physicians, volunteers etc, the room to perform what they are good at and be grateful for their contributions.

Amidst this pandemic, some are lamenting that we will never be able to go back to our good old days. I do not know about that. However, I have faith and am confident that when our hearts are united in mindful awareness, we shall emerge from this much stronger and thus enjoy a better future together.

It is okay to be intense, but it takes wisdom to be at peace. With this quote from the Dhammapada, I wish everyone peace, good health and happiness.