A Happier Family Life through the Dharma

by Dr Ang Beng Choo

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HOME AND HOUSE

A park warden was going to close the gate of a park. He saw an old man sitting on a bench in the park. He came over and gently asked him, “Please go home. I am closing the gate now. ”

“I have no home,” the old man replied.

The warden recognised the old man as one of the richest men in the town and owned a big house opposite the park. He was rather surprised and asked, “Sir, your home is over there. Why do you say you had no home?” The old man answered sadly, “That is my house, not my home. I am alone and do not have a family there.”

A home is a place where the family is.

WHAT IS A FAMILY?

What is a family? The word “family”, can be an acronym for “Father and Mother, I Love You.”

The Buddha said, “This is an impermanent world.” Everyone faces adversities sometimes. With love, care, support and help among family members, one can overcome these difficulties much easier than alone.

However, as with any groups, there will be differences of opinion among family members and occasionally conflicts may arise. A family is like the body of a bird with several heads. If the heads cannot get along and start harming each other, the body, together with the heads will suffer.

HOW CAN WE MAINTAIN A HARMONIOUS AND HAPPY FAMILY?

Relationship is a two-way traffic. Maintaining good relationships among family members is a concerted effort among all concerned. It requires mutual understanding, concern and love, and unfaltering commitment. The Buddha said, “This is an imperfect world.”

Even though nobody is perfect, everyone needs encouragement and affirmation. However, one usually sees his or her own virtues and others’ faults. When there is a problem, one often believes that the fault lies in others. This is the source of conflicts, disputes and problems for family relationships.

The Buddha also said, “Thoughts are forerunners of speech and action.”

POSITIVE THOUGHTS OF GRATITUDE

Positive thoughts will produce positive speech and action. How can we make our thoughts positive? I believe that the key to this is to always have a heart filled with gratitude.

After the Buddha attained enlightenment, he stood in front of the Bodhi tree gazing at it for seven days in meditation to show his gratitude to the tree for having sheltered him during his struggle for enlightenment. The Mangala Sutta enumerates gratitude as one of the highest blessings. It is not just the greatest virtue, but the mother of all virtues. To me, gratitude is the first lesson the Buddha taught through his own action.

The Buddha also taught us to be grateful to the four groups of people: parents, teachers, nation and all sentient beings. All have contributed to our wellbeing. If we practise gratitude, our conceit, greed, hatred, jealousy, and distrust will reduce gradually. We will then be able to maintain good relationships and rectify bad ones with our family members.

THE IMPORTANCE OF GENTLE SPEECH

However just having grateful thoughts are not enough. We should manifest it in our speech and action.

Speech is an effective tool for communication and can make or break a relationship. Therefore, Right Speech is an important Buddhist teaching. It is addressed both in the Five Precepts and the Noble Eightfold Path. In the ten roots of skilful actions, four deal with speech.

In the Dhammapada, the Buddha advised his disciples, “only speak when you need to discuss meaningful things that will benefit your own practice and others. If not, please maintain noble silence.” In other sutras, the Buddha also advised us to “respect the content of each sentence said”, “control our tongue well to avoid condemning others and creating bad karma” and “use gentle words instead of harsh words”. Let us practise the Buddha's teachings by using right speech and gentle words to avoid arguments, quarrels and fights among family members.

If there is a conflict between us and our family members, we should always try to reflect on ourselves to make sure that the problems do not lie with us.

There were two dogs walking into a room at separate times. A happy dog came out wagging its tail. An angry dog left the room growling. Out of curiosity, a person entered the room to find out what could possibly make one dog so happy and the other so grouchy. He discovered that it was just an empty room filled with mirrors. When the happy dog entered, it saw a thousand happy dogs wagging tails at it, making it even happier. On the contrary, the grouchy dog saw a thousand dogs growling at it, infuriating it further. Remember that our family members may be the mirrors reflecting us.

We have two ears and one mouth. We should use our ears more to listen to our family members' difficulties. When a comment or suggestion is needed, be positive and gentle so as not to worsen the situation. If we are not sure of what to say, maintain noble silence. Furthermore, use these three magical words: “sorry”, “please” and “thank you” generously.

CONCLUSION

A friend blamed himself for not taking care of his organs after being diagnosed with lung cancer. Our organs have been working hard for us and contributing a lot to our well-being since birth. However, we may have taken them for granted and never appreciated or cared for them until they malfunction. Our family members are like our organs. Do we also take them for granted until they are sick? Let us have a caring and happy family while everyone is still healthy.

If we always have positive thoughts, show our appreciation, as well as extend a helping hand to our family members when required, we will be able to maintain harmonious relationships under one roof.

Once a strong and harmonious family is developed through our daily practice of the Dharma, others will naturally be convinced of the worthiness of practising the Dharma. This will eventually strengthen the faith of the family in the Triple Gem.