Will Marriage Get in the Way of My Practice?

by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche

Any challenging situation in life can be workable when two qualities are present: openness and clarity. One question to ask yourself as you consider the commitment of marriage is, “Am I clear and strong in my dedication and commitment to dharma practice?” Another essential question is, “Is my partner open and respectful towards my developing relationship with the dharma?” If these two are present, I don’t see any problem.

If you lack strength or resolve, it’s important to avoid blaming your partner for your own inability to practice and feelings of guilt. But if your partner has a strong fundamental belief in another way and lacks tolerance for your view and practice, you should avoid this situation. If I make my belief and practice a priority in life and someone is going to interfere with that, I would not proceed with such a relationship.

In our ordinary lifestyle in the West, it is healthier to bring dharma practice into our lives than to avoid the challenges of life in order to practice the dharma. Developing a loving relationship with a partner can be an opportunity to bring dharma practice into everyday life. It is important to discover the basic goodness in all situations and to develop compassion for all beings. The daily opportunities that arise when living closely with another can be the spark that encourages this on a very practical level.

Buddhism says to renounce attachment and eventually achieve enlightenment. We don’t do that right away. We have that goal in mind and work in each moment with our attachment. Every single thing we do is attachment—wearing clothes, earning money, even asking a question. No matter which way you ask a question, it has to do with attachment. With no attachment, there are no questions! So in the relative sense, we work with attachment. There are obvious attachments we want to get rid of, such as being overly attached to our partner or greedy with our possessions. These attachments clearly bring suffering, and we should directly cut them. And there are some attachments that are useful — such as attachment to our dharma teachers and dharma practice, which will guide us and support us towards our final goal of attaining enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. In marriage, we can work with attachments every day and transform them into love or one of the four immeasurables: love, compassion, joy, and equanimity. Being in relationship provides ample opportunity for that process of transformation.