Choose Happiness

by His Holiness Gyalwang Drukpa, Jigme Pema Wangchen

As Mandela believed, even within the confines of the walls of a prison cell, we are the masters of our own fate, because we are the masters of our own minds. Whatever obstacles we come across in life, our nature remains constant. It is our essence, our strength that we may nourish in good times and draw on when we need support.

Choosing happiness is like flicking a light switch, bringing into focus all the things you have in this life to be appreciative of. You may not feel you have much of a choice in many aspects of your life, but the number of choices and opportunities available today can be overwhelming. With so many decisions to make you can sometimes forget that you also get to choose whether you are happy or not. You might get so caught up in worrying about whether you will make the right or wrong choices that you start to put off making decisions altogether, sheltering in the comfort of the status quo whether you like it very much or not.

In reality, the only thing standing in the way of your happiness is you; the only thing holding you back is your mind, and it is your mind that can equally help you to see your happiness, to let it colour your day and your life. But like your body, your mind needs a good workout to be fit and flexible, to release the tension of irritation and impatience. You need to give yourself the space in which to look at your mind openly and honestly, and be willing to let go of your suffering, your old resentments and your anxieties about the future. None of these things is doing you a service, but in their familiarity they can almost become comfortable – because if you let down your barriers, who knows what might happen? There might be an even bigger hurt or a failure waiting for you; you just don’t know if it’s worth the risk.

People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar. THICH NHAT HANH

Choosing happiness today gives us no guarantees as to what will happen tomorrow; but actually, none of our safety mechanisms give us guarantees – all they do is limit us and prevent us from really living. If we begin to look after our minds and allow ourselves to be ourselves, however, we will have the strength and the flexibility to choose happiness even while accepting that life is full of ups and downs. This is authentic living, and when we are authentic our happiness shines through, even if today is a rainy day, even if our boss ignores us or somebody bumps into us. The more we choose happiness, the more strength and courage we develop for those times in our lives when we feel brought to our knees by grief, sorrow or pain; the more we choose happiness, the more clear we become in our intentions – we begin to know the meaning of our lives, we notice the detail and instead of taking so much for granted, and wanting so much more, we are able to sit and see the beauty in everything we have.

Man is fully responsible for his nature and his choices. JEAN-PAUL SARTRE

You get to say what is important in your life, what brings you happiness, and it’s up to you to choose to do those things and be with those people more on a daily basis. You might be afraid that if you choose happiness today then it may be taken away from you tomorrow, but you always get to choose because your happiness depends only on you.

Our inflexibility, the fear of stepping out of our comfort zones and the habit of giving ourselves excuses can be the main reasons for our unhappiness and our failures. My wish is to help those who are connected with me to break free from all these nonsense concepts and to be free. You cannot make others happy when you are not happy. Whether you are happy or not, it’s entirely up to you. You are your own boss!

Finding happiness within

For Kirsty, it was through a combination of experience and contemplation – living meditation – that she realised she could stop chasing happiness and discover it within:

I remember at the age of sixteen, I wrote about Buddhism for a school project. It was the highest grade I had ever received for religious studies. There was something about Buddha’s words and teachings that touched my heart and mind so deeply; perhaps it was because the words were so liberating that I got top marks.

Many years later, when I listened to teachings given by His Holiness Gyalwang Drukpa, I realised that for a long time I had been searching outside of myself for my healing and my happiness. I had tried many things in my spiritual and personal quest. For example I had tried yoga, chi kung, giving up meat, caffeine, wine, all those things. I looked for happiness in love and in moving to new places in which to live. All the time I was trying to fill a vacuum with things outside of me, when all along everything I needed was within.

I remember as I sat and listened to the teachings and the wisdom of this old philosophy, I began to have the first inkling of understanding that opened my mind to an alternative truth about reality. I felt that I was beginning to find out about the nature of the mind, and the power of the mind to help and to heal.

I had searched outside of myself and now all I had to do was find the Buddha within. Now, after ten plus years, I am so much more aware of how my mind creates my reality, and so when I am confronted with loss, sorrow, hurt and pain I use the tools of the teachings and this gentle spiritual philosophy to place me in the safe and kindest of states one could rest in.

Of course, the process of trying to practise forgiveness, compassion, patience and all those things is a wisdom that is a continuous daily learning process. The more I do it, by putting intentions into practice, I find the more I enjoy it; it is an ongoing living meditation.

HOW DO YOU LOOK AT THE WORLD?

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened. DR SEUSS

I would not deny that we all have tendencies when it comes to our personalities; some of us will incline to be more adventurous than others, more optimistic or more fearful. But by leaving it there we are doing ourselves a great disservice – because however much of our sense of self is inherited from our parents or imprinted at a young age and then again as we go through life’s experiences, I also believe that when we allow our minds to go beneath the surface of inheritance or experience, we have the possibility to discover our inner nature.

Some people may even write themselves off to a lesser or greater degree by describing themselves as a ‘generally pessimistic’ person, for example; but if they expect the worst, then perhaps the reality might come as a nice surprise once in a while. A woman I met in London told me a little story that illustrates this perfectly. She was visiting one of London’s wonderful museums with her good friend. As they were leaving, having had a very enjoyable time, she spotted the most incredible glass sculpture hanging above the circular reception area of the museum. ‘Wow, look at that!’ she exclaimed, pointing the sculpture out to her friend, who instantly replied, ‘I wouldn’t want to walk underneath that. If it fell, you’d be dead instantly.’ The two women looked at each other and burst out laughing. The friend had the sense of humour and sense of self to see immediately what she had done: ‘Oh dear,’ she said. ‘That just about sums the two of us up: there you are marvelling at a piece of art and I immediately see the potential for disaster!’ The first step to any change is being aware of the need or desire for it. By understanding that they had both seen the exact same thing from different perspectives the woman’s friend took a great step towards awareness of the power of the mind.

And while it might not happen overnight, it is possible to use such moments of awareness as a foundation for training the mind to begin to see things differently – to choose another point of view.

It is very important that we wake ourselves up from the habitual comfort of pessimistic or negative thoughts and acknowledge that such thinking is a choice, rather than something we shrug our shoulders about and write off as just the way we are. If we don’t give our courage a chance to show itself, then we don’t allow ourselves to flourish and take leaps of faith. And simply on the level of our day-to-day lives, we don’t give ourselves the chance to see the beauty that is all around us, focusing instead on the potential pitfalls. Of course, when we choose to look up at the sky and the trees and the smiles of other people, instead of constantly checking for cracks in the pavement, occasionally we might trip up and feel a little foolish. But when we are choosing happiness we can also laugh at ourselves, even if we fall right on our bottoms. As Oprah Winfrey says: ‘So go ahead. Fall down. The world looks different from the ground.’

RELAX INTO YOUR NATURE

I am told that in America rates of happiness are decreasing despite its being one of the richest countries on the planet. The number of people who describe themselves as optimists has fallen by a quarter in just a few years, while wealth has increased. This shows just how much people’s minds can change – it’s easy to believe that we must be born either an optimist or a pessimist but this trend shows how it is possible to change from one to another. Sadly, in America, more people have become increasingly negative in their outlook, but fortunately science is now discovering how practices like meditation can help people to have a more positive outlook. I believe that if people can stop looking outside of themselves to the things they cannot control for their happiness and instead realise that all the conditions exist within them, they can be optimists even when times are a little harder.

Of course, life is full of ups and downs – it is quite a winding and bumpy road for most of us with good times and sad or challenging times; but perhaps it is possible to remain strong at the foundation – like a tree that has strong roots while also being able to bend and be flexible even in pretty high winds. Can we walk a middle path of balance, so that we may understand how wonderful this life is both when things are externally going well for us as well as when things are not so good?

Renewed confidence

I have had the pleasure to know Suman’s family for many years, and feel very supported by them in so many ways. When Suman lost his way a few years ago it was my privilege to be a guide as he found his own way back to his path:

I am from India and my mother was Sikh and my father was Hindu. I lived with my father’s parents and I was often taken to both Hindu and Sikh temples, so religion was a way of life for me from a young age. And then along came this Buddhist master; I remember His Holiness and his parents coming to stay with us from when I was a child and that I felt very happy to be around them.

One of the biggest lessons for me was to watch the respect between His Holiness and his parents. His father was also a Rinpoche and great teacher; his mother was love and compassion in human form. I hope that the way he takes care of his parents rubbed off on me subconsciously.

As a young adult, I really began to struggle with my motivation. My parents had become successful and I had become very lazy. I was working in a high-salaried job with an oil company, but inside I was miserable and I didn’t want to work any more. I became depressed and the doctors prescribed medication for me, but it wasn’t working. I was at my wits’ end with insomnia and couldn’t see a way forward.

Luckily, I went to see His Holiness at this time. He gave me a specific meditation to practise and said that I wasn’t to take any pills that night. His total belief in me gave me the belief I needed, and so I meditated and for the first night in months I slept soundly. We also talked about how I had lost my motivation to work and His Holiness helped me to see things from a completely new perspective. He said that if I didn’t want the money for myself, then why not make it for the nuns? He said that if I just sat around, how could I help him! I suddenly realised that money isn’t a bad thing – it’s your relationship with it that can either be positive or negative. It was entirely up to me how I chose to see money, and whether I wanted to see the good that it could bring with the right intentions and motivation. His Holiness simply shone a light on the fact that there was choice. There is always a choice.

I discovered what mutual respect means in that moment. His Holiness showed me that he had confidence in my nature – that despite my sinking into the depths of a mental depression, there remained an inner strength and that I had just forgotten its existence and so needed a little help to get back to my senses. His Holiness asks for nothing in return, but my respect for him deepened very much during this exchange. His trust in me and his fierce compassion inspired my own trust in him as well as a renewed confidence in myself.

Intention meditation

In the Buddhist teachings, we have an aspiration prayer, which is a wishing prayer. Like all the teachings, this is something we think about to help us develop ourselves and live the Dharma, which is just to say living life. This meditation encourages us to look into our hearts, find the inspiration and generate the motivation to turn our wishes – or our thoughts – into actions. In other words, we need to aspire first, then engage, so that we may apply our intentions to what we do. In this way we unify our thoughts, words and actions; we unify our minds, our hearts and our bodies. And it all begins with the mind: the creator of everything.

In this short meditation, therefore, we keep things very simple and just take a few minutes to set our intention and generate our motivation, like restarting our computer first thing in the morning.

1. You can sit in the meditation posture as described, or just sit comfortably in a chair.

2. Bring your attention into the present by practising the Breathing Meditation for a couple of minutes.

3. Now bring your thoughts to the people in your life – those who support you and care for you and those who are more challenging. Focus in this moment on your love and compassion for all the people in your life and those who you may come into contact with today.

4. Focus on the intention that you would like all your thoughts, words and actions today to be of help to others, to inspire or teach, to be patient and understanding.

5. Now focus simply on the intention that today you will do your best in whatever tasks or interactions you have.

It might help you to read the following sentences, which are a simple mantra, and then close your eyes to bring yourself into your mind and focus on what they mean to you:

May I set my intention to be considerate of and to help those people around me today – my loved ones, my colleagues, all the people I happen to interact with during my day. We are all in the same boat. We all hope to be happy and free from suffering. Whatever our differences, we are also the same. Today, I will do my best.

FREEDOM THROUGH DISCIPLINE

Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times. AESCHYLUS

Creating a new habit or practice, such as meditation or mindfulness, takes patience and discipline – it requires a commitment to change because we know that it will be worth it. Any kind of action that calls for discipline is difficult at the start – our minds are experts at resistance and creating many excuses why we shouldn’t bother to change. But never be frightened of change; to make a change is to be inspired. Don’t be frightened to learn, to improve – because if you feed your inspiration, you will, in turn, inspire others, and that is a great gift. When we are inspired we become so much more aware, we can be spontaneous and make decisions boldly and swiftly. 

In Sanskrit, the word for discipline is shila, which means ‘cooling’; when you feel very hot in your mind or emotions shila is like a fan that cools you down and relaxes you. You know the feeling when you (or, in other words, ‘your mind’) are getting out of control, and you know that to help yourself you need discipline. For example, if you realise that you have got into the habit of eating too much and so you have been putting on weight; what was once a pleasure is no longer a source of happiness, but rather a craving or even a source of negative emotions like guilt. This is when you need genuine discipline to break the habit and become slim and healthy again.

Often, when you first decide to make a change it is very hard and not enjoyable at all. But if you can keep going, by checking your intention and finding ways to motivate and inspire yourself, you will reach a point where the discipline becomes like shila – a freshness in the mind, a moment of true realisation, when you know you are doing something that is good for yourself, and you really feel it in your heart, as well as knowing it in your mind.

This is why taking care of the mind is so important. It’s impossible to effect a change – like eating more healthily, for example – if we do not also address what is going on in our thoughts, exploring them so that we can discover our genuine inspiration for change. It is hard to put things into practice if we are not in the right frame of mind. So we remind ourselves of how great a gift life is to us. We ask: why do we make ourselves sick in the body and mind through eating so many things that are not good for us? We realise how fortunate we are to have the choice of what we can eat each day, and remember that we have the opportunity to eat foods that will nourish our bodies, to exercise and increase our strength and physical fitness. And when we combine a good attitude with healthy action, the sum becomes even greater than the parts, each nourishing the other.

So happiness springs from a healthy attitude. We begin to understand that happiness is no longer contingent on external factors and that our own minds hold the key to uncovering what is there inside. Milarepa, the Tibetan poet and saint, said, ‘My religion is to live – and die – without regret.’ These few words contain the aspirations of all of us, I think: to live our lives well, to be brave and make the most of our time, to be happy.

Choose-happiness reminders

The only person who gets to choose whether you are happy is you.

You can always choose happiness, because happiness is your nature.

In choosing happiness, you develop resilience for the times in your life when you feel brought to your knees.

How would you like to look at the world? It’s up to you.

Don’t be afraid of falling down; just know that you have the courage to stand up where you fall.

Set your intention each day.

A Random Act of Happiness

Smile at a passerby: a smile changes your whole face, your posture and your attitude. It is even contagious: when the brain sees a smile we can’t help but want to smile back. Smiling is like a happiness switch for the mind, with the power to evaporate a bad mood in an instant.