Practising Self-Compassion

by Dr Kristin Neff

WHAT IS SELF-COMPASSION?

Having compassion for oneself is really no different from having compassion for others. Think about how the experience of compassion feels like. First, to have compassion for others, you must notice that they are suffering. If you ignore that homeless person on the street, you can’t feel compassion for how difficult his or her experience is. Second, compassion involves feeling moved by others’ suffering so that your heart responds to their pain (the word “compassion” literally means to “suffer with”). When this occurs, you feel warmth, caring and the desire to help the suffering person in some way. Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. Finally, when you feel compassion (rather than mere pity) for another person, it means you realise that suffering, failure and imperfection are part of the shared human experience.

Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you experience difficulties and failures, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself, “This is really difficult right now. How can I comfort and care for myself at this moment?”

Instead of mercilessly judging and criticising yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings — after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?

You may try to change in ways that allow you to be healthier and happier, but this is done because you care about yourself, not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are. Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honour and accept your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. You will encounter frustrations, experience losses, make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, or fall short of your ideals. This is the human condition, a reality shared by all of us. The more you open your heart to this reality instead of constantly fighting against it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and all your fellow humans in the experience of life.

There are three core elements to practising self-compassion:

• Self-kindness;

• Common humanity (the recognition that everyone makes mistakes and feels pain) and

• Mindfulness.

SELF-KINDNESS VERSUS SELF-JUDGEMENT 

Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding towards ourselves when we suffer, fail or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.

Self-compassionate people recognise that being imperfect, failing and experiencing difficulties are inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences, rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals.

We cannot always be or get exactly what we want. When this reality is denied or fought against, suffering increases in the form of stress, frustration and self-criticism. When this reality is accepted with sympathy and kindness, greater emotional equanimity is experienced. When we mindfully observe our pain, we can acknowledge our suffering without exaggerating it, allowing us to take a wiser and more objective perspective on ourselves and our lives. 

COMMON HUMANITY VERSUS ISOLATION 

Frustration at not having things exactly as we want is often accompanied by an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation — as if “I” were the only person suffering or making mistakes. All humans suffer, however. The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable and imperfect. Therefore, self-compassion involves recognising that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience — something that we all go through, rather than something that happens to “me” alone.

MINDFULNESS VERSUS OVER IDENTIFICATION 

Self-compassion also requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. This equilibrated stance stems from the process of relating our personal experiences to those of others who are also suffering, thus putting our own situation into a larger perspective.

It also stems from the willingness to observe our negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity, so that they are held in mindful awareness. Mindfulness is a nonjudgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them.

We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it simultaneously. At the same time, mindfulness requires that we do not “over identify” with thoughts and feelings, or we will be caught up and swept away by negative reactivity. 

Some people may also confuse the psychological states below as being self compassionate, but they are not the same.

SELF-COMPASSION IS NOT SELF-PITY 

Many people fear self-compassion is really just a form of self-pity. In fact, self-compassion  is an antidote to self-pity. When individuals feel self-pity, they become engrossed in their own problems and forget that others have similar problems. They ignore their interconnections with others, and instead feel that they are the only ones in the world who are suffering.

Self-pity tends to emphasise egocentric feelings of separation from others and exaggerate the extent of personal suffering. Self-compassion, on the other hand, recognises that life is hard for everyone, and allows one to see the related experiences of self and others without these feelings of isolation and disconnection.

Also, self-pitying individuals often become carried away with and wrapped up in their own emotional drama of “poor me”. They cannot step back from their situation to adopt a more balanced or objective perspective.

Research shows that self compassionate people are more likely to engage in perspective taking, rather than focusing on their own distress. They are also less likely to ruminate on how bad things are, which is one of the reasons self-compassionate people have better mental health. By taking the perspective of a compassionate other towards oneself, “mental space” is provided to recognise the broader human context of one’s experience and to put things in greater perspective: “Yes it is very difficult what I’m going through right now, but there are many other people who are experiencing much greater suffering. Perhaps this isn’t worth getting quite so upset about…”

SELF-COMPASSION IS NOT SELF-INDULGENCE 

Self-compassion is also very different from self-indulgence. Many people say they are reluctant to be self-compassionate because they’re afraid they would let themselves get away with anything such as having thoughts like: “I’m stressed out today, so to be kind to myself, I’ll just watch TV all day and eat a quart of ice-cream.” This, however, is self-indulgence rather than self-compassion.

Remember that being compassionate to yourself means that you want to be happy and healthy in the long term. In many cases, giving oneself pleasure may harm one’s well- being such as taking drugs, over-eating, being a couch potato, while giving oneself health and lasting happiness often involves a certain amount of displeasure, such as quitting smoking, losing weight, exercising etc.

People are often very hard on themselves when they notice something they want to change because they think they can shame themselves into action — the self flagellation approach.

However, this approach often backfires if you can’t face difficult truths about yourself because you are so afraid of hating yourself if you do. Thus, weaknesses may remain unacknowledged in an unconscious attempt to avoid self-censure. In contrast, the care intrinsic to compassion provides a powerful motivating force for growth and change, while also providing the safety needed to see the self clearly without fear of self condemnation.

SELF-COMPASSION IS NOT SELF-ESTEEM 

Although self-compassion may seem similar to self-esteem, they are different in many ways. Self esteem refers to our sense of self-worth, perceived value, or how much we like ourselves.

While there is little doubt that low self-esteem is problematic and often leads to depression and lack of motivation, trying to have higher self-esteem can also be problematic. In modern Western culture, self-esteem is often based on how much we are different from others, how much we stand out or are special. It is not okay to be average, we have to be above average to feel good about ourselves.

This means that attempts to raise self-esteem may result in narcissistic, self-absorbed behaviour, or lead us to put others down in order to feel better about ourselves. We also tend to get angry and aggressive towards those who have said or done anything that potentially makes us feel bad about ourselves. The need for high self-esteem may encourage us to ignore, distort or hide personal shortcomings so that we can’t see ourselves clearly and accurately. Finally, our self-esteem is often contingent on our latest success or failure, meaning that our self-esteem fluctuates depending on ever-changing circumstances.

In contrast to self-esteem, self-compassion is not based on self-evaluations. People feel compassion for themselves because all human beings deserve compassion and understanding, not because they possess some particular set of traits, such as beauty, intelligence, talents and so on. This means that with self-compassion, you don’t have to feel better than others to feel good about yourself. Self-compassion also allows for greater self-clarity, because personal failings can be acknowledged with kindness and do not need to be hidden. Moreover, self-compassion isn’t dependent on external circumstances, it’s always available — especially when you fall flat on your face! Research indicates that in comparison to self-esteem, self-compassion is associated with greater emotional resilience, more accurate self concepts, more caring behaviour in relationships, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger.

TIPS FOR PRACTICE 

In short, self-compassion contains the attributes of “being with” ourselves in a compassionate way — comforting, soothing, validating; and yet it is also about protecting, providing and motivating ourselves.

Comforting is something that we might do to a dear friend who is struggling, especially by providing support for his emotional needs. Soothing is also a way to help a person feel better, and it refers particularly to helping a person feel physically calm. Validating helps a person feel better by understanding very clearly what she is going through and saying it in a kind and tender way.

The first step towards self-compassion is feeling safe from harm. Protecting means saying no to others who are hurting us or to the harm we inflict on ourselves, often in unconscious ways. Providing means to give ourselves what we really need. First we have to know what we need, then we require the conviction that we deserve to get our needs met, and finally, we have to go ahead and try to meet our needs. No one can do this for us as well as we can do it for ourselves. Most of us have dreams and aspirations that we would like to realise in this lifetime. We also have smaller, short-term goals. Self-compassion motivates like a good coach, with kindness, support and understanding, not harsh criticism.

A common thread through all these practices is a friendly, caring attitude. Sometimes compassionate care for ourselves takes the form of solace and a soft leaning-in to difficult emotions (comforting); sometimes it involves a stern “No!” and turning away from danger (protecting). Sometimes it involves letting our body know everything is okay with warmth and tenderness (soothing) and sometimes it means figuring out what we need and giving it to ourselves (providing). Sometimes having self-compassion requires being accepting and open to what is validating, and sometimes it means we need to jump up and do something about it (motivating).

Self-compassion is often a radically new way of relating to ourselves. Research shows that the more we practise being kind and compassionate with ourselves, either using informal practices such as the Self-Compassion Break, or formal meditation practices such as Affectionate Breathing, the more we’ll strengthen the habit of self compassion.

There are a few tips to practising self-compassion that are important to keep in mind for novice and experienced practitioners alike. Self-compassion is a practice of goodwill, not good feelings. In other words, even though the friendly, supportive stance of self-compassion is aimed at the alleviation of suffering, we can’t always control the way things are. If we use self-compassion practice to make our pain go away by suppressing it or fighting against it, things will likely get worse. With self-compassion, we mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience. This allows us to hold ourselves in love and connection, giving ourselves the support and comfort needed to bear the pain, while providing the optimal conditions for growth and transformation.

Some people find that when they practise self-compassion, their pain actually increases at first. We call this phenomenon “back draft”, a firefighting term that describes what happens when a door in a burning house is opened — oxygen goes in and flames rush out. A similar process can occur when we open the door of our hearts — love goes in and old pain comes out. There are a couple of sayings that describe this process: “When we give ourselves unconditional love, we discover the conditions under which we were unloved” or “Love reveals everything unlike itself.” Fortunately, we can meet old pain with the resources of mindfulness and self-compassion and the heart will naturally begin to heal. Still, it means we have to allow ourselves to be slow learners when it comes to practising self-compassion. If we ever feel overwhelmed by difficult emotions, the most self compassionate response may be to pull back temporarily — focus on the breath, the sensation of the soles of our feet on the ground, or engage in ordinary, behavioural acts of self-care such as having a cup of tea or petting your pet cat. By doing so, we reinforce the habit of self-compassion — giving ourselves what we need in the moment — planting seeds that will eventually blossom and grow.