How to Communicate with your parents without tearing your hair out

by Venerable Faxun

Many teen often appear angelic outside their homes, but parents complain just as often that their teems have no respect for elders or lie without batting an eyelid… the list goes on. While they (parents and teens) may try very hard to communicate with each other, very often, conversations end up in heated arguments. Each party is unable to handle effectively the tension that builds up quickly, resulting in temper exploding or cold wars with either or both parties refusing to talk to each other!

The Buddha’s teaching on Right Speech is instructive in addressing and resolving this modern issue of communication between parents and children. A good teaching is one that we can apply directly in our day-to-day living and this reaching on Right Speech is certainly one. It is something practical which we can use to transform harsh speech into gentle speech, and false speech into truthful speech.

Here is a typical conflict scenario involving parents and their teen. Teenager Joan made an appointment with a friend to study in a library at a nearby town centre after school the next day. She informed her parents out of responsibility and respect. Her parents expected her to be home by 5pm, as granny would be visiting that evening before flying off to China. Joan promised her parents to be back by then.

So the next day, Joan and her friend proceeded with their plan, but arrived late at the library as they were held up in school by their teacher and were caught in traffic. They were deeply engrossed in their studies at the library when at 5pm, Joan’s mother called, half screaming on the phone. Hearing her mum’s angry voice, Joan looked at her watch and realised that she was late. She turned the phone off in a panic, not knowing what to say at that moment! When Joan got home and was questioned why she had turned the phone off during the call, she lied that the battery had gone flat.

Teenagers often resort to telling lies out of desperation. Most know when they are wrong; they also know it is not right to lie. Yet often, out of fear of being scolded or punished, they try to get out of unpleasant situations by lying, with the hope of covering up their mistakes.

Taking an objective view, Joan obviously felt agitated and frustrated about the whole situation. A noble deed to help a friend with studies turned into a situation beyond her control as she was held up by their teacher and caught in a traffic jam; these had not been taken into account in her plan. She would have also felt guilty for not keeping to the promise to be home by 5pm. Emotionally, there was guilt, frustration, probably anger too. An intended action of goodness turned into an unpleasant situation through no fault of her own. Upsetting indeed!

Her parents, on the other hand, were probably worried when Joan did not return home at the expected time. Could she have met with an accident? Did something bad happen? Or, they might be upset that their daughter had no sense of punctuality. In particular, Joan’s mother probably felt angry to be cut off when she called Joan, and might have guessed that Joan had lied about the battery being flat. It would have been too easy to check on the battery level, but such an act of mistrust would only aggravate the whole situation. Experiential interactions with teenagers reveal that many usually do not know how to handle broken promises (especially with authoritarian parents who scold at the slightest provocation, even when truth is spoken). Out of desperation or fear of have the face the music, they resort to temporary measures of ‘escapes’ such as shutting off their phones or telling lies. Often, they are not aware of the consequences of their actions. While they yearn so much for trust and freedom from their parents, by their reactive actions, they break the trust for which they yearn. Many are constantly caught in such a situations and do not know how to cope or get out of the cycle. Such frustrating experiences often result in confused and conflicting emotions and feelings – often the very cause of dysfunctional communication between children, especially young teens and their parents.

SOME GUIDELINES FOR TEENS …..

1. Reflection

Instead of getting angry or frustrated, it would be more helpful to calm your mind, check your action and reflect upon it. How do you see yourself when shutting off the phone and lying to your parents? How do you feel? How would your parents feel? How do you prevent something similar from happening again so that you gain the trust of your parents? What would be a better approach so that you don’t lose the trust of your parents regarding your time management or sense of responsibility, while showing care and concern for your friend at the same time?

2. Keep Calm and Be Truthful

Most teens resort to lying out of desperation to cover up a mistakes they have made. As a result, they end up telling one lie after another to cover up the previous one. The way out of this endless cycle is to learn to keep clam and be truthful.

THE PRINCIPLE IS ALWAYS TO BE SINCERE AND TRUTHFUL.

Instead of reacting in an escapist manner, when confronted with a situation which feels threatening or which you feel you do not know how to deal with, take a deep breath and breathe out the anxiety and fear. Then explain the situation by telling the truth.

In the Digha Nikaya, the Buddha says: “By giving up false speech, one becomes a speaker of truth….thus becoming a trustworthy and reliable person….. Giving up harsh speech, he says what is gentle and pleasant, pleasing to the ear, affectionate and like by most (DN1).” There is no more necessity to lie.

Taking the earlier scenario as an example, Joan should simply explain the situation, that she was held up by the teacher and caught in the traffic, etc. Furthermore, not only do we need to explain, we need to explain calmly and clearly, and not get caught up in our emotions. Always be kind and gentle in your speech.

3. Courage and Acceptance

Most teen know that it is their fault for not keeping a promise. But they are just too afraid to face the music. It might be helpful to seek inspiration from the life stories of great people in the past. For example, George Washington, the first president of America, chopped down his father’s favourite cherry tree but was brave enough to admit his deed when questioned. We need to learn to be courageous, admit our misdeeds and accept the punishment, if any. Courage is a good attribute (quality) to develop. It will certainly enhances our development as responsible adult.

4. Responsibility and Trust-Building

It is your responsibility to inform your parents if you are late. For example, if you are caught up in a traffic jam, you could simply use your mobile phone to send a text message, or better, telephone one of your parents to tell them why you will be late. Do not wait for your parents to call you. Such an act of responsibility will certainly build your parents’ trust in you.

5. Time Management

Some teens simply lack time management skills. When your parents ask when you will be home, you should not give an unrealistic time. Otherwise, you will be unable to keep to the time promised. The ultimate consequence is that your parents become upset and you lose even more trust from your parents.

Learn to work out how much time is needed to travel from point A to point B. Let’s take the earlier case as and example again – in this case, library to home. In addition Joan will also need to factor in time for packing-up, time for lunch, even for answering nature’s call, and also have some time allocated for walking between bus stops and train stations; even time waiting for the bus and train.

Likewise, after you have worked out a realistic time, you may wish to add a few extra minutes’ allowance to ensure you return home on time or even earlier.

6. Empathy

Try to put yourself in the shoes of your parents. How would your parents feel when you are not home by the promise time? Most parents would worry. They become concerned for their beloved child – are you in an accident? Are you safe?

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU ARE A PARENT?

7. Patience

Be patient; it takes time for you to earn your parents’ trust. If you continue to act in a responsible an mature way, eventually you will gain their trust.

Parents will usually let go and give you more freedom once they notice you are mature and responsible.

Saint Francis de Sales said what was necessary for a contemplative life was “a cup of understanding, a barrel of love, and an ocean of patience.”

In essence, we need to re-learn the ancient wisdom handed down by the ancient sages. The Right Speech in the Noble Eightfold Path and the Buddhist Teaching on Loving-Kindness is a good guideline for more effective communication.