Guiding our children using what the Buddha taught

by Venerable Thubten Chodron

The relationship between parents and child is a unique and precious one, for it’s due to the kindness of our parents that we’re alive today. This is one of the most changeable of our relationships because it lasts over a long period of time, during which both parents and child as individuals go through many stages in life. Thus, both have to be sensitive to the changes occurring in the other, and to allow and support them.

The Buddha told Sigalo:

Householder, in these five ways the parents discharge their responsibilities towards their children:

1. They restrain them from negative actions, 

2. They establish them in virtuous actions, 

3. They educate them in the arts and sciences, 

4. They provide them with suitable wives and husbands, 

5. They give them their inheritance at the proper time.

Parents should restrain their children from actions that harm either themselves or others. They should encourage their children to share what they have with others and to have a kind attitude towards others. If children are brought up to value ethics and kindness, they’ll become happy adults who will get along well with others. If children aren’t taught how to be kind and happy people, then even if they have many academic achievements, their lives will be filled with difficulties.

Parents need to be good examples to their children. The old slogan of “do what I say, not what I do,” is a limp excuse for parents who do what they advise their children not to. Children copy their parents’ actions, and by acting hypocritically, parents are telling their children that hypocrisy and lying are all right. Thus, parents who want to help their children will live ethically and will be kind towards others.

Also, to help their children develop good character, parents must spend time with them. Although both parents may work to support the home, they should avoid becoming workaholics. Working overtime to earn more money may seem appealing, but if that extra money has to be used to pay for the children to get counselling because they feel unloved, what use is it? Similarly, if parents overwork and are very stressed, the money is used to buy tranquillisers, pay for medical bills due to ulcers and heart attacks, or for vacations without the kids so they can relax. Overwork is self-defeating for the parents.

In addition, the children miss out on love and affection from their parents. Even if the parents pay for music and art lessons and sports activities for their children, if the children feel unloved, all these lessons won’t enable them to grow up to be happy adults. Western societies are witnessing tremendous increases in crime, drugs, divorce and delinquent children. A lot of this is due to the breakdown of the family structure and the fact that parents don’t spend enough quality time with their children. I hope modernising Asian societies will learn from the mistakes of the West and avoid them. Grasping for money, at the expense of family closeness, brings problems.

Parents should give their children the best education they can, and gear that education towards the child’s disposition. If a child doesn’t have musical ability, why torture him with forced music lessons? On the other hand, if a child has talent and interest in geology, the parents should encourage that. In our modern world children are pressured from a young age to learn a lot and to be the best. This creates many psychological problems, for children need time to just be children and to have fun. They need to be able to try new activities without being evaluated by tests and without their performance being compared to others. They need to be loved simply for who they are, without feeling they have to be the best.

Clearly, in our present society, parents don’t arrange their child’s marriage as in ancient India. Also, in those days, the family business — the inheritance — was passed on to the children when they were capable of running it, whereas today that isn’t necessarily the case. However, I believe in today’s society, the fifth advice could mean that parents provide for the material well-being of the child as best as they can.

Parents should care for the child’s physical and material needs in a practical way. Obviously, they can’t give more than their income allows. Giving children everything they want doesn’t necessarily benefit them. Spoilt brats may be produced instead. When children have unfulfilled wishes, parents can help them by explaining that what they want is too expensive or isn’t available. Help them understand that even if they had it, it wouldn’t make them completely happy and that by making a fuss, they are making themselves unhappier. Explain to them the benefits of sharing possessions with others.

By helping their children deal with unfulfilled wishes, parents show them how to diminish their attachment, prevent them from taking things for granted, and help them to consider others’ needs and wishes. Children often understand more than adults give them credit for. When something is explained calmly, logically and repeatedly, in various circumstances that illustrate the point, children will understand.

Children develop their self image depending upon what the adults around them say. If children are often told they’re naughty or stupid, they’ll develop that self-concept and then will become like that. Thus, it’s important to praise children and acknowledge what they do.

When correcting children’s mistakes, parents should help them understand why that action was harmful. Also, it’s important that children learn that although they made a mistake, it doesn’t mean that they’re bad people. If children start thinking that they — not the action they did — are bad, then that negative self-image will mould who they become.

Sometimes, in order to convey an important point to a child, parents may have to speak forcefully, but their minds should be imbued with compassion, not anger. In that way, they let the child know a certain action is not to be repeated, but they aren’t angry and don’t reject the child because of the misdeed.

Being a parent means walking the fine line between the extremes of over-protecting the children, and neglecting them by not providing sufficient guidance. To counteract excess attachment and possessiveness, parents must remember that their children aren’t their possession. Children are unique personalities, who must learn to form their own opinions and make their own decisions. By being too attached to a child, parents create the circumstance for their own unhappiness, for it’s impossible for the child always to be with them. When their children grow up, some parents have difficulty in allowing their children to become more independent, for it means that they can’t control their children’s actions as closely and must trust the children’s ability to make good decisions.

Some parents constantly tell their children what to do and what not to do. There is no discussion involved, for the children are expected simply to do what they’re told. There are some situations where this is appropriate — for example, when the child’s well-being is endangered and he clearly lacks the ability to decide properly. However, constantly telling children what to do doesn’t help them to develop good judgement. Nor does it allow for them to seek their parents’ advice and discuss their problems with their parents. Children feel much closer to their parents if their parents listen and respond to them. When parents explain why a certain behaviour is harmful or beneficial, it helps children to make wise decisions later. In this way, children learn to think clearly and act beneficially. Having trained their children to do this, parents can then feel more comfortable trusting their children. This helps to avoid the power struggle that so often happens during the teenage years.

Parents can’t make their child into what their image of a perfect child is. Each child has his or her own potential, which may or may not correspond with what the parents want him or her to be. Parents can’t expect their child to live their own unfulfilled dreams. While guiding their child to choose careers, spouses and hobbies, parents must be mindful to have the child’s interests, not their own, in mind. Wise parents accept their children as they are, while simultaneously guiding them to develop according to their capacities.

The other extreme is neglecting the child, which unfortunately happens too often in busy societies. Sometimes, in order to provide for the children’s material well-being, the parents are too busy working to spend time with them or to give the love and guidance that they need. Parents need to allocate their time appropriately. It may be better to work less, but have a more united family.

Parenting is a challenge and can enrich one’s Dharma practice. The teachings on impermanence are apparent as the children grow up. The disadvantages of anger and the importance of developing patience become clear when parents lose their temper in frustration at a child they want to help. An inkling of what it would be like to cherish all beings comes when parents think of loving everyone as much as their children. With mindfulness, parents and children can grow at the same time.