The Obstacles to Happiness

by His Holiness Gyalwang Drukpa, Jigme Pema Wangchen

If there are so many benefits to being happy, why do we struggle with happiness? What are the obstacles that come between us and our happiness, that stop us from being our true, authentic, kind, generous and fulfilled selves? Where do they come from?

We cannot control the things that happen to us or outside of us: if we do not have enough money to keep a roof over our heads or food on the table, then our happiness will be affected; other people may harm or try to harm us, or we may become ill or injured in an accident and experience great pain.

There is a great deal, however, that is in our own hands when it comes to happiness and living the life that we know we want to when we listen to our hearts. The life we have is so precious, and each of us has so many things to contribute. So why do we bury ourselves under the mental weight of expectations, worries and misunderstandings, creating disharmony within ourselves and with others, making ourselves unhappy in the long run? How do these ‘happiness obstacles’ build up over time? Why are we so often our own worst enemy?

It is the barriers we create in our minds that get in between ourselves and our happiness; they are like invisible walls constructed from our fears, our impatience, jealousies, anger and all the opinions and ideas that we cling to for our sense of identity. We want and expect things to be a certain way – so much so that sometimes we ruin our chances for happiness before we have even begun. Or we fit our minds into a mould of what we think is ‘right’, becoming too solid, too inflexible. We weigh down our happiness and close up our minds, rather than letting them float and wander around freely so that they might open up to many inspiring new ideas and ways of seeing.

THE ROOTS OF OUR SUFFERING

It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are

or what you are doing that makes you happy or

unhappy. It is what you think about it. DALE CARNEGIE

Before we can truly begin to cultivate a happy state of mind, we need to understand the source of our suffering, the obstacles that come up between us and our happiness. It may be surprising, but when we begin to think through the things that we believe take away our happiness, it is possible to see how all suffering stems from the mind.

Of course, with physical pain, there is a sensation in the body which can be very intense. There is no questioning that pain feels very real. However, even with physical pain, the level of suffering we experience comes from within our minds – how we cope with it, how we react to it on an emotional level.

Likewise, when we lose a loved one, grief and sadness will become our companions for a time while we heal from the pain of the loss. But it is through this type of suffering that we are able to truly understand our joy and happiness too. We are reminded of the preciousness of life, how important it is to live for each day, to embrace the present, rather than living in the past or constantly being anxious about the future. Our grief shows us how much we love and how much we care; it is then up to us whether we hold on to that grief for too long, undermining our happiness and keeping us trapped in a very dark place or whether we have the courage to let our grief and sadness go.

CONDITIONAL HAPPINESS

So many people believe that if only they can achieve a particular goal – losing a certain amount of weight, perhaps, or getting top marks in an exam – they will be happy. Or they might think that if they can endure their job for now, it will bring them happiness through the money they can spend in retirement or through the security of knowing they can repay their mortgage. People are taught this way of thinking – of putting off happiness or imposing certain conditions upon it. But when we place conditions on happiness we are really limiting ourselves. What if we don’t lose that weight or we don’t get top marks? Does it really make a difference to who we are and should these conditions stop us from being happy? We don’t deserve to be happy – happiness is our nature, it is part of us, not an exchange. So don’t put your happiness in a box marked ‘only for special occasions’.

EXPECTATIONS

When I teach, I talk a great deal about expectations, and how they have become an epidemic that is putting off happiness for people all over the world. Expectations are considered by many to be a very good thing – they help people to strive for success, to make a good living for themselves and their families and to reach great heights. From my point of view, however, expectations are related to being overly outcome-driven, so again, it is a matter of creating a list of conditions or goals that have to be met before we can really say we have ‘made it’ and allow ourselves to be happy; and when we don’t reach all our goals we feel disappointed.

If you can practise being intention-driven, then you do not rely on one particular outcome, so long as you have tried your best. When you place too much emphasis on outcomes, you are too attached to an imagined future. If you focus on your intentions, you become more present – what matters is what you are doing right now. Your intentions are based on your values, they are connected with your heart. This isn’t to say that you abandon all goals, for example, goals like gaining an educational degree or a promotion at work can be very helpful in encouraging ourselves to grow and fulfil our potential, but that you put the emphasis on your intention, why you want to do these things, rather than being attached to specific outcomes. The irony is that the more you concentrate on your intentions and values, the more effective you become at fulfilling your goals, too, because what you do during the day becomes aligned with your purpose. Happiness becomes the journey, not the destination.

Here is an example. In the morning you may set your goals for the day, such as spending more time with your family or getting through your ‘to do’ list at work. And then at the end of the day, you become disappointed as you realise there are still so many things you wanted to do but weren’t able to. If you focus on your intentions, instead, you may begin the day with a simple desire to express your appreciation for the people close to you and to make the most of the day. You focus on what you do, rather than worrying about what you haven’t done. A moment spent with your loved ones might be fleeting but counts for so much because you are right there, happy in their presence. It’s a change in your perspective.

You can also be a much more flexible person in this way, open to all the possibilities of an uncertain future. Expectations come with the potential for much disappointment, whereas intentions simply get you into a good frame of mind, from which anything might happen and you no longer need to feel attached to one specific outcome. Life rarely goes according to plan, so why make a trap for your own happiness by placing the burden of expectation on it?

WHEN WE LOSE OUR WAY

One of the biggest obstacles to happiness is when there is a disconnect between what we know in our hearts is the right thing for us to do and what we actually do. It is not always easy to match up our purpose with how we think, speak and act, but the more we can do this, the more productive and connected we will be.

Many people feel that they would be much happier if they could strike the right balance between work and life. Sometimes I think we forget that work is life, rather than being something separate that we put up with so that we can have a comfortable life the rest of the time. How people feel at work becomes a barometer for happiness, a roller coaster of good and bad days with so many potential saboteurs, from bosses to feeling the weight of responsibility, to things going wrong or feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

If you ever feel that you have somehow lost your way, or you are not sure which direction to take, meditation and mindfulness can help you to see beneath the choppy surface to the clarity within. Have the courage to keep going and bring your attention right into the present moment to look around you and see what is really going on in your life. Resolve to sweep away your doubts and uncertainties and grab today for all it’s worth.

HABITS OF THE MIND

Our mental habits have a way of getting in between us and our happiness, especially if we are unaware of their strength. Over time we develop patterns in how we react to situations or people – we feel crushed by criticism, angered by people who bump into us, for example. We might wish we could react differently, but our habits are so entrenched that we fall back on them without thinking. We seem to follow the same negative patterns of thinking and behaving over and over again, and we’re not sure how to break the cycle.

By bringing our attention to the present moment we can see those habits and patterns as they happen and understand what triggers them; by developing self-awareness we can choose not to follow the same old ways of thinking and strike out on a new path.

NEGATIVE EMOTIONS

Anger and its relations – such as frustration, impatience, intolerance, shame and guilt – are very corrosive to our state of mind. They cause us pain in the moment because they literally burn us, and when we react very suddenly or without thinking, we may lash out with words that act like arrows directed at other people, objects or situations.

Unnecessary mental sufferings such as doubt, desire and greed take up so much precious space in the mind and can even make us small-minded. They also cause distance and separation; we want to get away from a person or situation we don’t like, or from ourselves. We may even take something that is happening in the moment and project it as a universal truth that is never going to change: I’m always going to be alone; I will never be happy like this.

When we are angry, we can’t see straight and we make rash interpretations and associations. If we are not careful of the anger that arises at the moment, it can become a more general anger towards life. Similarly, the other emotions related to it can become habitual, so that we may tend towards comparison and jealousy or being suspicious of the intentions of others. This leaves very little room for joy and happiness in our thoughts and our hearts.

This is why it is so important to become more aware of and friendly with all our emotions; to explore the source of any negative emotions or feelings and to practise their antidotes – patience, appreciation and acceptance. An angry or jealous mind can never be happy, so for the sake of ourselves and those around us we need to understand our emotions and learn how to let them go.

EGO-CLINGING

In our teachings, we talk a great deal about ‘grasping attachments’ and impermanence. The ego is a collection of all the stories and beliefs we have been told and have told ourselves about who we are over the course of our lives. When we become too attached to this identity, we limit ourselves and, as a consequence, we put limitations and conditions on our perception of happiness. And just as we cling to our egos, our egos cling to possessions and opinions in an attempt to feel secure. This creates an underlying sense of fear – fear that we might turn out to be ‘wrong’, fear that we might become losers in some way, fear of what others think of us.

If you are unhappy with yourself, then that is because you haven’t got to know your true self. You only know your ego, which right now is doing you a disservice and trapping you in unhappiness. The things that you do not like in your personality or about your actions are not you; and although it might seem impossible when you are consumed by feeling bad about yourself, you can begin to gently break free from the bonds of these labels. By taking care of your mind, you can transform your thoughts and your actions. In other words, you can transform your life.

RELATIONSHIPS

If you feel you are unhappy because of how people are treating you, the first thing to realise is that whatever others may say or do, you still have some degree of control over your reactions. If your happiness is within, then you don’t have to let external conditions have such a hold over it. Sometimes our perception of intention – behind harmful words especially – is entirely different from or an exaggeration of what someone else was thinking.

There may be times when it does seem as though someone truly wants to upset or harm you with their words or actions. It is very hard for this not to affect your sense of happiness, but it may help to understand that their motivation for engaging in harmful words or deeds says everything about them and nothing about you.

Although directed at you like a poisoned arrow, they have nothing to do with who you are, stemming rather from the person’s own misunderstandings about who they are. Contemplating and understanding this may help to reduce your sense of suffering and to see that other people don’t need to become a fixed obstacle to your happiness. You may focus instead on all the positive relationships and connections in your life and nourish them with your happiness.

FEAR AND UNCERTAINTY

We feel our fears and anxieties in our bodies; they are obstacles to happiness that sit in the pit of our stomachs or make our whole being feel agitated and uncomfortable. Fear in itself is not the problem here though; our fears are some of the best signposts towards growth, towards doing what we really want to do and being who we want to be. It is when you let fear and uncertainty about what may (or may not) happen to fester, rather than facing them, that they can get in the way, between you and your happiness. Your ego will cling on to fear, but your true nature is fearless and free. You just have to peel back the layers, look directly into your heart and see the courage and confidence that lie within.

If you feel unhappy because of the situation you find yourself in, you can begin to explore the feelings it brings up for you and see if you can look at them – and the situation itself – from different angles, rather than believing them to be only a source of unhappiness.

When it comes down to it, no matter how many self-beliefs, circumstances or people we feel are lessening our happiness, we do have a choice when it comes to how we cope or deal with them in our minds. Do we hang on to frustration experienced during a morning meeting all day, so that we end up taking it home with us? Do we always take on the blame or responsibility for situations when they could easily be shared? Do we even worry a little about letting ourselves be happy, fearful that we might hurt so much more if it is then taken away from us?

We human beings seem to find complication and even suffering to a degree easier to deal with than happiness: it is easier to complain than to celebrate; it is easier to list what we didn’t get done today than to acknowledge everything we accomplished. We wrap ourselves up in expectations and ideas about how we think things should be, and we worry that contentment and peace will bring laziness.

I believe it is time you freed your mind and let happiness back in – it’s been waiting patiently for you to open the door for long enough. The happier you allow yourself to be today the happier you’ll be tomorrow and for the rest of your life.