Acceptance and Empowerment

Venerable Thubten Chodron

Q I feel so angry whenever life throws a nasty surprise. How can I deal with negative situations and my feelings in a wiser manner? – AF

A: Underneath our anger, we often find a refusal to accept the reality of the situation and a feeling of powerlessness in its face. These feelings are related, because the confusion that arises from fighting the reality of an event makes us feel helpless and unable to influence it. Once we accept what is happening, we can determine more clearly the parameters of possible action and feel empowered to act.

ACCEPT WHAT IS HAPPENING

Often, we become angry because our mind does not accept the reality of whatever is happening and wants it to be different. We may develop many reasons why things should be different, but that doesn’t change the reality.

Jackie ate a healthy diet and exercised, yet she was diagnosed with cancer at age forty-two. Her mind spun in disbelief, “I took such good care of my health. This can’t happen to me!” Presupposing the worst, she fell into depression and did little to deal constructively with her illness. After attending a support group at the Wellness Centre, Jackie came to accept that she had cancer. In addition, she met many others who had it and survived. Their examples encouraged her and, feeling more in control of the situation, she began to research various treatment options in order to make a wise decision. Feeling that she had some power to deal with the situation, she began taking better care of herself physically and mentally. When I met her several years later, she was in good health and told me that the cancer had made her grow in ways that she could not have imagined previously. “As strange as it may sound,” she said, “I now see the cancer as a gift.”

Some people think that acceptance means not trying to change the situation and fear that such an attitude could be used to support abuse or oppression. However, this is not the case. Acceptance simply means fully accepting that what is happening now is indeed happening, even if we do not like what it is. We stop fighting the reality of the present moment and let go of our anger. Nevertheless, we can still aspire and work towards improving the situation in the future. In fact, acceptance of the present enables us to think more clearly about effective means for influencing what will happen next.

ACT OR RELAX

The great Indian sage, Shantideva said:

Why be unhappy about something If it can be remedied?

And what is the use of being unhappy about something If it cannot be remedied?

If we face an unpleasant situation and can change it, why get angry? We can act and either extricate ourselves or improve the situation. On the other hand, if we cannot alter the situation, why get angry? There’s nothing effective we can do, so we are better off relaxing. Becoming agitated only compounds our suffering. 

This technique is also helpful if we worry a lot. We can ask ourselves, “Can I do something about this situation?” If the answer is yes, then there’s no need to worry. Act. If the answer is no, then there’s no use for worry. We can relax, see what happens, and deal with it the best we can.

A high school teacher, Ben, prepared his students for the upcoming state exams as best as he could. As exam time approached, he began to worry about his students’ performance. The students sensed his apprehension and became anxious themselves. Realising the unproductive effect his uneasiness was having on them, he said to himself, “We have worked hard together all semester. They are good students and will do their best. I trust them and give them my caring support.” He breathed deeply, relaxed, and spent the last few days before the exam cheerfully encouraging them. His students responded to his ease and did fine on the exams.

DISCOVER POWER

Feeling helpless often instigates anger: a child becomes angry when she feels helpless in meeting her parent’s expectations; an ill person is irascible when he cannot control his surroundings; an employee defensively lashes out when his boss is unhappy with his work. In all these situations, those who are unable to control certain circumstances angrily blame others for their unhappy feelings of powerlessness.

Interestingly, in most conflict situations, both parties feel that the other is more powerful. In the above examples, the parents feel helpless when their child lashes out in frustration; the family members feel overwhelmed by the patient’s abrasive speech; the manager is concerned that if the project deadline is not met, she will have to answer for her subordinate’s inefficiency. Because we are interdependent, everyone in a situation affects the others. However, we are seldom aware that the person we consider powerful is also dependent on others and may feel helpless at times as well. Simply being aware of this can lessen our own discomfort and make the situation more manageable, because we will see ourselves not as helpless victims but as interdependent players.

Recognising this, we can start to change. Together with acceptance of the present situation, we can initiate action that will affect the future in a positive way. Suffering from terminal cancer, Rod would angrily ring the call button at all hours of the day and night and demand that his nurses and family members give him more pain medication even when he had just had some. Tired of this, one nurse made it possible for Rod to administer the pain medication himself by pressing a button when he felt the need for more. Suddenly, the complaints stopped. Looking back on it, everyone realised that Rod’s difficult behaviour had been due to his not having control over any aspect of his situation. Once he had control over even one aspect — his pain medication — his feelings of powerlessness declined, and he became more relaxed and amenable to receiving help in other ways.

Dale’s boss had called him in to say she was disappointed with his work. While some bosses help their subordinates improve in such situations, this one threatened him with a negative review if he didn’t improve. Becoming defensive, Dale wanted to say something nasty, but he realised that doing so would only put his job at even more at risk. Instead of wallowing in feelings of helpless dismay, he thought about the positive steps he could take to feel more powerful in the situation. He learned about his company’s policy regarding warnings, citations and review. He went to see the manager again, and together they worked out and put in writing what Dale’s job entailed and the criteria  and method by which his work would be evaluated. They set a date to meet again to see how he was progressing. In addition, when Dale felt the need to express his frustration with his work situation, he spoke with friends outside work, who offered helpful suggestions. In this way, he avoided venting to his colleagues, which would have only stirred them up and created more tension in the office. Thus, Dale’s initial anger, which stemmed from feeling powerless, vanished as he took active steps to learn ways to improve his situation.

Have a Compassionate Heart While we can sometimes gain more control in a situation, at other times we cannot. Here mental transformation is crucial.

I receive letters from prisoners in the US who are interested in learning Buddhism. Although conditions in US prisons are good, in some aspects they can be dangerous. Nevertheless, several inmates who have regular meditation practice tell me that they are happy for the opportunity to practise in a prison environment. “There is always someone for whom we can generate love and compassion. We are surrounded by people whom we have the possibility to help in some big or small way,” they say. Even those unjustly harmed by the policy of mandatory minimum sentencing accepted their situation and use it to practise.

Terminal illness is another situation we can’t control that could easily slip into feelings of powerlessness, depression and anger. Death will happen to each of us; it’s a natural outcome of life, and acceptance, rather than rejection, of this facilitates our having a tolerable dying process and a peaceful death. One of my teachers, Lama Thubten Yeshe exemplified this. He literally had a hole in his heart, and his doctors could not believe he remained alive for so long. In spite of his severe health condition, he was always cheerful and helpful to his numerous students. Those who cared for him after he became too debilitated to teach said that Lama maintained his focus on the well-being of others. He graciously accepted his continuously weakening condition and increasing dependence on others to help him with every facet of his life. Although he had little control of his physical condition, his mind was pacified, hence not only was he happy, he also brought joy to those who cared for him.

ACCEPT THAT OUR CONTROL IS LIMITED 

Expecting to be happy and to be treated fairly, we feel that we have control or should have control over all that happens to us. But in fact, our control is limited. On the most basic level, although we can control some bodily functions, most of them are outside of our control. We become old, sick, and die without choice. Similarly, we have little control over our minds. Five minutes of trying to focus on our breath quickly reveals that our mind wanders here and there without our control. If we cannot control the most basic elements of our experience — our body and mind — how can we possibly control what other people say and do? Yet we falsely think we should be able to. Raising a child is a good example of how we are able to influence, but not control, another person. Each parent does what he or she can to raise his or her children to have good values, a cheerful disposition, and behaviour that enables them to get along well with others. Yet, children are not their parents’ possessions. The parents cannot ensure that a child turns out the way they would like. Likewise, it is not helpful to confront a relative or close friend with his substance abuse problem thinking that he will change. We have to be there and help in whatever wise ways we can, but we cannot crawl inside another person and pull a few switches to alter his behaviour and the attitudes motivating it. 

From the Buddhist point of view, we are all trapped in cyclic existence — the constantly recurring problems involved in repeated birth and death — by our own ignorance, anger and clinging attachment. Ignorance misconceives the nature of reality by grasping onto ourselves and all phenomena as real and independent. This gives rise to clinging to what gives us happiness and hostility towards whatever interferes with our happiness. These, in turn, motivate confused actions that harm us and others. Given this present state of affairs, our world is imperfect and we will experience unhappiness. On the one hand, we would be happier if we could stop railing against the “unfairness of it all” and develop instead the tolerant ability to endure suffering, as long as its causes exist. On the other hand, we do not need to look forward to only more problems in life, for if we develop the determination and ability to eliminate their causes — ignorance, anger and attachment — we can arrive at a state of lasting happiness, nirvana. Many people have done this before us. The path and the guides are there; we need only follow them.