Having Love and Compassion for Ourselves

by Venerable Thubten Chodron

Q: I notice that I often become angry with myself, blaming myself for not being good enough. Because of this, I often suffer a negative state of mind. What can I do to change this? – H.

A: While recognising our mistakes and weaknesses is wise, we needn’t hate ourselves for having them. We are sentient beings — just like everyone else — caught in cyclic existence due to our disturbing attitudes, negative emotions and karma. Of course we aren’t perfect. We have foibles, but we do not need to identify with them so strongly. They are not our identity; they are not an inherent part of us. By reflecting in this way, we can become more patient with ourselves and still be motivated to change.

Love is the wish that sentient beings have happiness and its causes, and compassion is the wish that they be free from suffering and its causes. Since we, too, are sentient beings, our love and compassion must encompass ourselves, as well as others.

Many people confuse loving themselves with being selfish. They have a low opinion of themselves, feel guilty if they are too happy, and deny themselves pleasures. From a Buddhist viewpoint, low self-esteem and this type of self-denial are as caught up with self-centredness as pride is, for they all over-estimate the importance of the self and focus on it in an unhealthy way.

Others, thinking loving themselves is good, fall to the extreme of self-indulgence and selfishness. Activities done with this attitude do not really make us happy, because our mind is focused on only our own immediate pleasure. We are trying too hard to be happy, and thus real satisfaction eludes us.

How then do we correctly differentiate self-love from selfishness? Selfishness in Buddhism means self-centredness and self-preoccupation — that is, thinking of ourselves first and foremost. Whether we think of ourselves as the worst or the best of all, we are nonetheless exaggerating the importance of the self. Both self-hatred and self-indulgence are extremes. Neither brings happiness or eliminates misery. We are one among countless sentient beings, all of whom want to be happy and to avoid suffering as intensely as we do. We are neither more important nor less important than others. Thus, in wishing all beings to be happy and free from suffering, we must include ourselves. No sentient being is more or less deserving than any other in this respect.

When we are angry at ourselves, we frequently see only what is flawed in our lives. This view is extremely narrow and is comparable to focusing on one spot on the table while ignoring the beauty of the whole table. Also, we often focus on a few circumstances in our lives that aren’t going well instead of all those that are. Although we all have problems, when we over-emphasise their importance, we easily begin to think that we are incapable and worthless. Such self-hatred immobilises us and prevents us from developing our good qualities and sharing them with others.

When we look at the broad picture, however, we see that many positive things are in our lives. We can rejoice that we are alive and appreciate whatever degree of good health we have. We also have food (often too much!), shelter, clothing, medicine, friends, relatives, and a myriad of good circumstances. Many of the people reading this live in peaceful places, not in war-torn areas. Many have jobs they like, and family and friends they appreciate. We shouldn’t take these for granted. Most importantly, from a spiritual viewpoint, we have access to an authentic path, qualified teachers to guide us, and kind companions who encourage us. We have genuine spiritual aspirations and the time to cultivate these. Thinking about these good conditions one by one, we will be filled with joy, and any sense of being incapable and hopeless will vanish.

Mentally flogging ourselves for our weaknesses and mistakes is useless, and an impediment to spiritual progress. How then can we view our foibles? With self acceptance, we let go of judgement and acknowledge what we are or have done. Looking back at the person we were when we erred, we can understand and have compassion for our suffering. At that time, we did what we thought was best. Confusion clouded our mind, and we erred. Although we need to make amends for the harm we inflicted on others, we need not hate and condemn ourselves. We can forgive ourselves. While the action was mistaken, the person who did it was not evil.

On the deepest level, the nature of our mind is untainted. The cloud like destructive emotions can be eliminated. In addition, we have the seeds of all enlightened qualities in our mind stream, and these can be developed limitlessly, until we attain full enlightenment. This Buddha nature is an unalienable part of our mind and is always present.

Having the determination to be free from suffering of cyclic existence is compassion for ourselves. When we make mistakes, rather than wallowing in guilt, we benefit from purifying them and continuing on the path. The Buddha prescribed a four-step process for doing this. First, we review our actions and genuinely regret those that harmed others or ourselves. Regret differs from guilt. Based on a balanced view of the self, regret arises from accurately assessing our actions. Guilt, on the other hand, is a form of self-hatred. Based on a negative view of the self, it arises from over-emphasising the negativity of our mistakes. By regretting our errors, we can learn from them and improve in the future, whereas by feeling guilty, we remain locked in an unproductive downward spiral.

Second, through regret, we are determined not to act destructively again. While we can confidently say we will abandon some harmful actions forever, we may know that we are yet unable to avoid others completely. In those cases, we set ourselves a reasonable period of time during which we will be especially mindful and not engage in those actions. In this way, we will gradually become confident in our ability to develop positive habits.

Third, we make amends to those whom we have harmed or towards whom we have had negative attitudes or feelings. In the case of other sentient beings, we develop love, compassion, and the altruistic intention to attain enlightenment for the benefit of all. This counteracts the force of our previous negative intentions towards them. In the case of religious figures and refuge objects, we recall their good qualities and generate faith and trust in them.

The best way of making amends is through transforming our attitude, letting go of any hostility or other destructive emotion we may still harbour towards another person. In addition, if we can directly apologise to the person we harmed and compensate any physical damage we have done, it is to our advantage to overcome our pride or shame and do so. Nevertheless, this is not essential, for sometimes the other person has already passed away or does not wish to receive communication or help from us.

Fourth, to ensure that our future actions correspond to our improved attitude, we engage in some type of remedial action. This may include activities such as community service, volunteer work, service work, meditation, or religious practice such as bowing, reciting prayers and mantras, and meditating.

Many Buddhists engage in these four opponent powers on a daily basis. In this way, they avoid stockpiling any negative feelings or karmic imprints over time. Psychologically healthy, as well as spiritually beneficial, regularly purifying our mistakes lays the foundation for a happy mind, which, in turn, reduces the likelihood of anger arising within us. By developing and cleansing our minds through Dharma practice, we can become Buddhas.